Best friends forever?

29/03/05

After a few days of thinking about it I thought about telling my Best friend Bookworm. We’d been friends since we were seventeen and told each other everything. I had already spoken to the boyf about it and he was ok about me talking to her if it meant I felt better about things.

My hhands shook as I dialled the number and had to try two times before I called the right number.
I held my breath as the phone rang.
Why was I feeling so nervous? She was my best friend! She wouldn’t think I was a freak? Would She?
She finally answered just as I was about to hang up.
“HI!” she said in her happy cheery way. Which for the first time in a week put a smile on my face.
I took a deep breath and told her. About the Doctor and what she said and that maybe I’d never have sex…well not for a long time anyway.
There was a silence and she asked me what it was and whether I could take any medication for it.
I replied no and it didn’t know enough about it yet to find the right treatment. I told her that we did know that doing pelvic floor exercises was meant to help.
She laughed and said that wasn’t so hard and at least I’d have a tight pussy at the end of all this.
A tight pussy? At the end of all this?
Did she not realise? Having a so called tight pussy was the fucking problem? Had she not been listening? Did she not get how serious this was? Did she not understand that my world had ended, that I was abnormal, a freak? I needed her to tell me that it was gona be ok, that she would help me, that we’d find away. I wanted her to ask me how I was feeling whether I was ok? Instead she made a comment about having a tight pussy. Was this my Best friend? My Sista? Was this the same girl I’d cried with, laughed with, had the worst and best times with?
I laughed along with her at the time, biting back tears.
She said that she’d ask her gf to look at some of her medical books to see if she could find out anymore information.
I thanked her and she changed the subject to what she’d been doing the weekend before.
I talked to her for another five minutes or so trying desperately to not cry before hanging up.

The boyf asked me how it went and I lied telling him it was fine.
I excused myself by saying I needed the loo and locked myself in my tiny bathroom.
I sat down on the closed toilet lid tears streaming down my face.
I was having to take deap breaths and holding them so the boyf didn’t hear me.
At that point in time I just wanted to lie down on the floor and cry, cry and cry until I couldn’t cry anymore. I wanted to shout and scream…I wanted to throw myself at a wall over and over again until this terrible pain, and anger and disgust at my own body disappeared until there was no more, until I couldn’t feel anything anymore.
Eventually I stopped crying and flushed the loo so the boyf wouldn’t realise what I had been doing. I then washed my face and came out of the bathroom.
The decision had been made for me…I was going to have to face this on my own.

Should I tell?

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It’s been six days since I found out. Six days of feeling numb, sick and disgusting. Is this feeling going to go away? Am I ever going to feel like me again?
Why me? I don’t understand, I was always good to her. I waited for the right man to come along; I never gave in to pressuring boyfriends? I did everything a good girl should. I can’t touch her, wash her or even thing about her now without wanting to cry or throw up.
I hate her…no let me rephrase that I hate me for hating her.
I feel pathetic, why can’t I deal with this in my usual kick-ass way? What’s wrong with me?

It’s only me and the boyf that know at the moment. I feel so confused, I need support but don’t want anyone to know I’m such a fucking freak.
Even if I did tell someone who would I tell? Should it be my best friend? The girl who taught me about letting go, feeling free and loving myself. Should I tell my mum, the strongest most amazing woman I know.
Would either of them understand, Could they both conceive of such a thing? Or would they just tell me to relax, drink wine, use lubricant or try another man? Would they trust a Doctor’s judgement? Could they be there for me? Help me begin to try and understand this body of mine? Would they help me find a solution and agree to come with me on this journey?
Or will I have to do this on my own? Will I have to pretend and lie to all our friends, Tell them we did it, Talk about how good it was and how many times we came. While in private we’re hoping, preying, wanting and needing to find a cure or some kind of help.
If there’s an angel, god or any higher power please help me! Cos right now I don’t know how to help myself

Aftershock

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So it’s been a couple of days since “V day” (the day I found out I had Vaginismus). And it still all feels like a bad dream. I keep thinking I’m gonna wake up and find out that it isn’t my body that’s fucked up. And me and the boyf can carry on blissfullily unaware.
He thinks its brilliant that we know. But it isn’t his body that’s fucked up is it? He keeps saying “at least we know now?” and all I can do is wish I didn’t know.
Its weird you know he touches me and I keep thinking freak freak freak. I mean having sex is meant to be the most normal thing in the world isn’t it? Well not for me! At least when we didn’t know there was a chance that maybe we’d get the position right or something.
I’m just so angry at my body at the moment…I feel like it’s just working against me, I’ve lost 21 pounds in the three weeks I was in India, none of my clothes fit and now my fucking vagina won’t cooperate with the rest of me.
The boyf did some research on the net and found out that a lot of women have it and there’s lots of ways to treat it but the most affective one is to train the vagina to take a penis by using these things called dilators and learning to control the pelvic floor muscles.
I thought that the pelvic floor exercises didn’t sound too scary; I’d heard about them, lots of women did them for lots of different reasons so I looked on the net for a guide on how to do them, and all this information turned up about gaining control of the pelvic floor to stop incontinence. I felt sick and that was the first time it completely sunk in. I slid off the computer chair curled in to a ball and cried till I exhausted myself to sleep on my bedroom floor. The boyf woke me up a couple of hours later telling me he was on his way to visit.
I got up, washed my face and pretended like everything was fine. I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want him to know that we probably wouldn’t be able to have sex for a long time if at all. I needn’t have worried though because he’d done a lot more research than me and knew already. I think he was just relieved it wasn’t anything to do with his body. I don’t think that he realises how much this is gonna affect us. I mean I already feel different.
I went in to that doctor’s office on Tuesday a woman sure of her sexuality and confident in herself and came out feeling like an inadequate child.
I hope we can survive this because I’ll need all the help I can get.

Finding Out

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Me and the boyf had a talk about sex a couple of weeks ago and the out come was that I would go and see someone. I want to sleep with him so I agreed. We both figured that maybe I was too small down there which kinda makes sense me being so petite and all. So I played catch up with uni after going to India and the boyf went on the net looking for a woman specialist that might be able to shed some light. I wasn’t scared I don’t think just a little nervous I hadn’t ever had a dr successfully examine me down there. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me really as far as I was concerned my bits were the same size as the rest of me…small!

So anyway he found this lady dr specialising in women’s health on Harley Street. So today we went along with a friend R more as a useful distraction I think than anything else. He has a very outgoing personality and I needed that.

The dr’s office was quite posh with comfy couches in the waiting room and thick plush carpet on the floor. I gave my information to the secretary and only had to wait for around five minutes before the dr came out and called me in. The boyf squeezed my hand in an “I’m here for ya!” sorta way and I went in alone. I wanted to go in alone I’m not really sure why but it just seemed right at the time.
She started by asking me some general questions about me and my concerns. It was all going fine until she said “Ok now I’d like to examine you if that’s alright.”
In itself that didn’t bother me so I got on the couch with my jeans and knickers off.. She then proceeded to examine me telling me everything looked normal. The trouble started when she tried to carry out an internal exam, I started feeling a burning pain as she inserted a finger until I had to make her stop because it became unbearable. She tried a couple more times with the same results and finally asked me to get dressed. While I was getting dressed I found myself talking non-stop apologising and making excuses for my body’s lack of cooperation. It was like my mouth was working of it’s own accord and I couldn’t make it stop. I knew I didn’t need to explain and that it wasn’t my fault what my body did but for some reason I felt embarrassed about it.
She patiently listened and waited till I had sat down and said.
“I think you have vaginismus”
“What?” I asked
“Vaginismus, it’s where the vaginal muscles go in to involuntary spasm”
I felt sick, I realised that I didn’t expect they’re to be anything wrong with me and this was a total shock.
I asked her to call the boyf in so she could explain things to the both of us. Thank god for the boyf because I really wasn’t listening. The only word that was going round in my head was “Vaginismus Vaginismus Vaginismus”.
In a daze I walked out of the dr’s office and the boyf paid the eighty pounds we owed and we left the building.
R asked if everything was all right and I found myself smiling and saying yes.
We went for lunch afterwards at my favourite restaurant but I couldn’t enjoy it.
I still don’t know really what it is but the boyf held me close when we came home and promised we’d deal with this together. So now starts the research and battle to find something that will help I spose.

before

So before I start fully writing about the present it’s important I fill you in with some entries from my personal diary.

If you know me and read anything on this blog you don’t like? Well tough! I am not writing to offend but refuse to apologise or sugar-coat a thing on here. This is my life real raw and honest.

so

back track

Ello Ello Ello

I set this blog up months ago but only now have I found a time to actually sit down and write a suitable entry. This is for me a way of documenting, explaining and talking about the journey that’ has been my life since I found out I had Vaginismus.
So? What is Vaginismus?

Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. The tightness is actually caused by involuntary
Contractions of the
Pelvic floor muscles
Surrounding the vagina. The woman does not directly control or ‘will’ the tightness to occur; it is an involuntary pelvic response. She may not even have
any awareness that the muscle response is causing the tightness or penetration problem.

In some cases vaginismus tightness may begin to cause burning, pain, or stinging during intercourse. In other cases, penetration may be difficult or completely
impossible. Vaginismus is the main cause of
unconsummated relationships.
The tightness can be so restrictive that the opening to the vagina is ‘closed off’ altogether and the man is unable to insert his penis. The pain of vaginismus
ends when the sexual attempt stops, and usually intercourse must be halted due to pain or discomfort.

Types of vaginismus

When a woman has never at any time been able to have pain-free intercourse due to this muscle spasm her condition is known as primary vaginismus. Some women
with primary vaginismus are unable to wear tampons and/or complete pelvic exams. Many couples are unable to consummate their relationship due to primary
vaginismus. [
Vaginismus can also develop later in life, even after many years of pleasurable intercourse. This type of condition, known as secondary vaginismus, is usually
precipitated by a medical condition, traumatic event, childbirth, surgery, or life-change (menopause).
For mor information go to http://www.vaginismus.com

I have primary Vaginismus and hope that through this blog I can let the world know that this often soul destroying condicion exists.